I faked an abortion last night.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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