My cat gives me a boner
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
