Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
