This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
