Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
