So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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