I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
