i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
