Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
