walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
