Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
