apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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