Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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