We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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