I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
