I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Randomize
