If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
jump out the window naked night went bad
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