i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
