I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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