Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
