I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
