there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
we're making bets on your personal life
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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