i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
my liver is dry heaving
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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