***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
