I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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