Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
