I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
