im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
this just has baby written all over it
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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