I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
