Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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