i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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