Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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