and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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