I think my fart just growled at me.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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