OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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