The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
