Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
