Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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