i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
