Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
