if i can run in heels then i can drive
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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