Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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