My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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