just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
