Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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