i need an iv and a liver transplant
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
