Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
