He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Green mimosas i think yes
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
