maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
