My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
