He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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